Last time I wrote to you I was heading towards a profound exploration of my deepest Self. But before I start talking about my 10 days of silent meditation, I realized that some of you might be missing some background information on the end of my stay in India. I would also like to welcome my newly added friends – this is my way of keeping in touch and sharing knowledge. Feel free to ask to be taken off this list, I won’t be offended I promise.
Earlier this year, in March, I finally felt ready to come back to Canada and see my family. As I passed through the customs to board my plane, the officer realized that I had overstayed my visa (which, naïve little Bee that I am, was absolutely true) and that I had to stay in Delhi to deal with the Foreign Registration Office. Thank the Universe for my dearest friend Amit and his family for helping me go through the process. That period of time, approximately one month (I re-applied for my exit permission three times!), was the most challenging part of my stay, allowing me to step up, stand tall and firm within myself and fight to make my way back home. It was during that time when I was visiting the FRRO every single day, confined to staying in the same hostel, that I met the love of my life.
We looked in each other’s eyes, and we instantly Knew. Michael is from the United-States and was leaving the following day, but we knew we would see each other again. And we did. Shortly after he left Delhi, I was granted the permission to leave. We messaged back and forth, missed each other’s calls a few times and eventually were able to do a video chat, which went on for 5 hours. From that moment on, we talked every day for hours at a time, slowly deepening our love for each other and establishing a solid foundation. For months this kept going until Michael came to work with me on the farm where I was helping to grow vegetables. Then our relationship expanded even more and we learned what it truly meant to be in a serious, committed relationship. That we don’t come together to erase ourselves or give ourselves to the other but to elevate ourselves to higher vibrational levels and amplify our strong qualities.
Michael left the farm in September, and I kept working until the end of my contract in November. This second period of time spent apart was enlightening. Initially, I realized that a lot of my strength had been founded in our being together, and the security of having someone support all of your endeavors. We were completely cut off from each other at first, and couldn’t even talk because he was out of cell phone reception. It took me a few weeks to come back to my senses and re-establish myself within my own inner-determination. I discovered self-love, uncovering deeply rooted eating disorders founded in insecurities. And while I faced those cookie monsters, my creativity exploded. I started painting and writing more poetry and spending most of my free time creating and reading instead of simply resting from my strenuous job.
I carried my re-ignited creativity with me to Washington, excited to finally have space to nurture it and let it expand. As I’ve said in my previous letters, coming back together after two months apart was challenging. We both evolved individually and strengthened our beliefs in ourselves. Realigning and establishing mutual understanding took some time. The meditation course that we took was a big part of it.
For ten days, we silently sat segregated and faced some of our deepest-rooted traumas and insecurities. Eleven hours a day were spent performing a deep surgical operation on our psyche, and it was painful. Excruciatingly so. Almost every day my uncomfortable mind was screaming at me to leave, scared to be crushed and confined. At times, I felt I was disappearing, melting away into the landscape because of lack of stimulation and mental activity. Other times I dissolved in a fury of pain and bliss, completely overpowered. I came back from those meditations, panting, out of breath and grasping to come back to my senses and to become a person again.
I relived my car accident, childhood traumas and oscillated between wanting to go back to Ontario (in Canada) or staying in Washington with Michael. A veil was lifted and I could clearly see a familiar behavioral pattern – this desire to run away from situations and people that test my integrity. I noticed that when I feel I am not established enough in my core values, and I keep failing myself, I get the urge to run away and remove myself from the situation instead of expanding within the pressure. Being with Michael for those two weeks while remaining established within my core values had been difficult because of the lack of willpower and I could see it clearly. My wanting to run away was not because I was unsatisfied or unfulfilled by our relationship, but rather because I wasn’t strong enough to communicate and enforce what I needed.
When we finally were able to see each other after the course, we shared the changes that happened within ourselves. The behavior that was challenging my integrity had dissolved within those ten days and I was finally able to communicate my needs, which were already being addressed unconsciously. It was painful and beautiful and uncomfortable but amazing. We’ve overcome many challenges that I’ve observed surfacing later on in relationships. Things that couples I’ve known for a long time are still struggling with. And we know it’ll keep coming until we reach a point of absolute, divine communion with each other. Which, in Tantra philosophy, would mean Liberation or Enlightenment.
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Shortly after we got back from our meditation course, we drove to Michael’s hometown to visit his friends and family. At first, it was really overwhelming for me to meet so many new people, especially without having time to settle after coming back from ten days of digging through my deepest darkest Self. But after some time, I became more and more comfortable with his family and found myself feeling like I belonged with them. I am looking forward to spending more time with them and deepening our relationship.
The holiday season is here, and it is bittersweet. I’ve always loved having space and time to connect with family. But I’ve always hated the consumerism; the gift-giving, the overeating, and drinking. I’m somehow finding balance within it all, wondering if maybe some of you have developed any holiday survival tricks? Feel free to share, and send pictures!
I am excited to hear from you; all of you.
Love and light, always.